i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
