life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
