thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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