Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
