I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
