I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
