don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
