I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
