Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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