I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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