Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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