You don't have asthma, your pregnant
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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