then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
