He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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