I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
