I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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