I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
