shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
