Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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