mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
