If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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