Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
