The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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