youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
