I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
