I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
