Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
