so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
