Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
