the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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