I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
