So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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