you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
