So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
