My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
