The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
