Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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