Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Be still, my beating vagina.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
