Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
