mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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