He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
