I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
