I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What a dumb baby whore.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
