3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
