The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You made out with two different species that night
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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