I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
