My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
