I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
