I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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