6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Actions speak louder than pants.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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